i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
