Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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