watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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