I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
