I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
