she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
