no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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