Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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