She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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