also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
