Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Randomize
