The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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