So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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