just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
we're so committed to being not committed
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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