your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
