I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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