so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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