she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
