Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
