Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
