He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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