found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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