you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
