Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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