it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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