Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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