I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
