the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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