Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I am midnight drunk by noon
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Randomize
