So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
