my being single is dangerous.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
