sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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