She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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