Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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