Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
