spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize