Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
do herpes really smell.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
