the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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