i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
