I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
she looked like the before picture.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
