I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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