Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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