I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize