come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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