my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
