So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you told grandpa to call you daddy
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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