a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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