How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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