Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
