my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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