"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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