How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
