I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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