she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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