Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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