Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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