she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
