i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
