Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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