PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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